This is hilariously funny...

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One man awakes, go to the bathroom, and see the plumbery is leaking.
He tells his wife in an angry voice
"Look, darling, I'm working 15 hours a day while you are a homemaker. Couldn't you call a plumber for that leak ?
"Why don't you repair it yourself ?
"Do I look like a plumber ? so please call one.
...
"And look at the garden, what a jungle. Can't you mow the grass for once ?
"Why don't you do it yourself ?
"Do I look like a gardener ? Please call one today if you don't want to do it yourself.
...
And then he goes to work.
...
When he come back in the evening, surprise surprise: everything is impeccable.
"Good darling, seems that plumber and gardener worked fine. Or maybe you did it ?
"None of the two. Our adorable neighbourgh next door, you know, he did it for me.
"How nice !
"Yes, but there was a catch. He told me "I need to be paid."
"Fair enough.
"Wait, then he added "Do me a cake or... a blowjob"

The guy starts panicking

"What a... tell me you did a cake !"

The wife look him straight in the eyes and just says
(drums rolling)

"Do I look like a pastry chef ?"
 
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One man walks into a bar and tells the barman
"Give me three coffees: one for you, one for me, and one for your nymphomaniac wife I just screwed."
The barman blow a fuse and beat the guy until he is a complete wreck.
...
The next day, guess what ? same guy, same story.
"Give me three coffees: one for you, one for me, and one for your nymphomaniac wife I just screwed."
The barman blow a fuse and beat the guy until he is a complete wreck.
Unbelievable.
...
Third day, same story.
...
And then on the fourth day...
Same guy, evidently in poor shape.
"Give me two coffees: one for me, and one for your nymphomaniac wife I just screwed. Yet this time, no coffee for you: I think it makes you a little nervous !"
 
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Two fellows that haven't seen each others for months and years randomly meet in the street
"Hey Jack, how are you ?
"Pretty well, I'm on the brink to become a billionaire.
"Wow, what happened to you ?
"Well I have invented a very useful machine, the entire world wants it
"What kind of machine ?
"Well it's a machine that can change poo into butter.
"Are you freakkin' kidding me ?
"Hell no, mind you I have a giant plant only 1 mile from here, I will show you.

And surely enough,here is a colossal plant, and inside is a production line.

"Look here, this is the main tank full with shit. And at the end of the production line, a bit farther in Hall 4... then come with me. "

And surely enough, in hall 4 are butter slabs, coming by the dozens and the hundreds.

"I just can't believe it...

"Sure. Wanna taste it ?

"Not really sure... oh well let's try it. Have a bit of bread ?

"Sure."

The fellow takes one slab of butter, paste it on the bread, and take a bit... only to spit it down in disgust.

"But that butter taste like shit !

"Well, what do you expected ?" the inventor answers.
 
One priest meets a rabbi and they discuss.

The priest says "Hey do you know that when I go to a restaurant, I can eat all I want, and I never pay ?
"How do you do that ? invitations ?
"Nah. I have found one hell of a smart trick. Listen, when they show me the bill, I say "I already paid". Of course the waiter says "No, you didn't. Here is the bill."
And they I say, seemingly offuscated and outraged "Do you really think a priest like me, an ambassador of God on Earth, would lie ? really ?"

And I swear, each time they get embarrassed and say "Oh sure, excuse us you must be right". And I don't pay. Try it !

The rabbi is fascinated and evidently decides to try it. Next day he goes to a restaurant and eats, eats the finest and most expensive dishes.

Evidently come the waiter with the bill.

"My son, I already paid."

"No you didn't. Here is the bill."

"Wait, what ? You think me, a rabbi, a devout and honourable ambassador of Yahve on this planet, could lie ? Really ? Are you calling me dishonest ?"

The waiter turns red in confusion.
"Oh wait, excuse us, of course you are right. Sorry." He goes away with the bill.

And yet the rabbi don't go away; he just waits. Half an hour later the waiter come back and asks

"Something wrong, may I help you ?

"Sure" the rabbi answers. "Where is my money ? "

...

One jewish grandmother has taken her many grandsons and great grandsons to the beach. And then one freak wave sweeps one of the kid into the sea, far from any possible rescue.

The jewish grandmother keeps quite and immediately start praying

"Dear God, I've been a model of devotion. I rose my kids, my sons, my grandsons, my great grandsons. I always believed in you, made donations, shabbat, everything.
Please, make a move: save this kid."

And surely enough, another wave brings the kid back on the beach as if nothing had happened.

The grandmother starts praying again "Thank you, thank you so much. I knew I could trust you !"

She makes a brief pause and then add cautiously

"If I may ask something else... the cap he lost in the sea, it is rather expensive, you know..."
 
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The brand new rooster in old McDonald farm proves to be a sexual maniac of Jeffrey Epstein proportions: pretty much a dick with feathers.

As soon as the farmer release him, he first screws all the chicks and hens, thrice; and then he screws the pig, and all the cows, and all the horses, the dog, the cat, everything: a true maniac.

Old McDonald is left scratching his head at such vigor and sexual apetite, - yet he goes working his daily routine at the farm.

Yet at the end of the afternoon coming back, he finds the rooster collapsed in the backyard, not moving a feather anymore.

"Wow, that demented perverted maniac bird evidently died of exhaustion... Drats, never seen such sex addict in my life. Oh well, time to cook him with some potatoes, poor thing."

As he leans toward the limp rooster laying motionless on the ground, to his surprise the chick glance at him and mutters

"Go away you idiot ! See that pack of vultures circling above ? I'll got them... all of them... leave them coming, leave them coming !"
 
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Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 of the enemy... then the grenade exploded.
NASA has been searching life on Mars since Viking in 1976.
Bad luck: Chuck Norris had been to Mars before...
Chuck Norris omce was bitten by two Cobras and a Black Mamba. Three days later, in horrible agony, the snakes died.
 
This is an oldie but a goodie from Voltaire. He came hating another French philosopher of the time, with the name of Jean Fréron. Voltaire was an old cynical man and promptly destroyed him with the following memorable verses

"L'autre jour au fond d'un vallon
Un serpent piqua Jean Fréron.
Que croyez vous qu'il arriva ?
Ce fut le serpent qui creva."

(the other day, in a valley, a snake bit Jean Freron. What do you think happened ? the snake died.)

Hilarious, it is one of my favorite quotes - it never grows old and still work nowadays.
And it is easy to adapt to any person you truly hate.
 
A Roman walks into a bar . . .
'I'll have a Martinus, please.'
'Martini', the barman corrects him . . .
'If I'd wanted two I would have asked for them!'

cheers,
Robin.
 
A Roman walks into a bar, and sticks two fingers up to the barman . . .
'Five beers, coming right up!'

cheers,
Robin.
 
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 of the enemy... then the grenade exploded.
Chuck Norris does not slice butter with a knife, he slices the knife with butter...
Chuck Norris once climbed Mount Everest in just one hour---spending the first 45 minutes building a snowman at the base.
 
Next time moron say Moon landing are fake
Use that Meme ! :D

FKOYfYtXMAcJQ3M
 
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 of the enemy... then the grenade exploded.
Chuck Norris does not slice butter with a knife, he slices the knife with butter...
Chuck Norris once climbed Mount Everest in just one hour---spending the first 45 minutes building a snowman at the base.
What took him so long with the snowman?
He ran out of snow in Nepal, and had to run over to China to get enough to finish. When he was done, he was just able to jump across from the top of the snowman's head to the summit of Everest.
 
Speaking of running, when Chuck Norris runs somewhere, he doesn't just do it to get somewhere quickly, he's also helping to maintain the Earth's rotation.
 
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