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This is hilariously funny...

Archibald

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Many times on Sundays we fed my mother hens with the roasted chicken bones and remains. Every time I thought " cannibalism". Also the egg shells...
 

Foo Fighter

I came, I saw, I drank some tea (and had a bun).
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It is said that expecting modern marriage to last in it's current state is foolhardy, how about this? Of course they would have a say in it too.
 

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Michel Van

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i getting nervous
it's matter of time they change there name into simple English like: Umbrella Company...

530ce21d7e0314fc.png
 

TomcatViP

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Caution, Dark humor ahead:

“We found the body of a man inside the leg of this dinosaur statue. It’s an accidental death; there was no violence. This person got inside the statue’s leg and got trapped. It looks as though he was trying to retrieve a mobile phone, which he’d dropped. It looks like he entered the statue head first and couldn’t get out.
Anthropology would see that as the first case ever where a human was ingested by a dinosaur!

 
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Archibald

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Imagine a mash up of the two videos, Serkis and Hamill: the Joker Trump talking with Smeagol Trump

Happy new year to all ! / the fake news media of / my ennemies that fought me and lost so badly / has never been so wrong and so dirty / they don't know what to do ....

Dear God how insane would that be !!
 

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There are some jokes about russian big bread,aha!
(1st)
I put unfinished russian big bread in the perishable rubbish,the cleaner scolded me and put it in the construction waste.
(2nd)
I told my friends that recently I bought a lot of russian big bread in order to save money and buy my house,and then,my best friend said:
Why?Are you going to build your own house?
 

Archibald

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How do you call a dog without legs ? You don't call it, but instead go picking it.

A man had the very unfortunate idea of calling his dog "goaway" The dog ended Schizophrenic.
"Come here, go away !"

A militant from that organization ( https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attac_(organization)) decided to name his dog accordingly. Once again, the poor pet ended with schizophrenia

"Attac, quiet ! "'
 

Archibald

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A very brilliant (mad) scientist invented a machine that could massively boost intelligence levels.
Then he went looking for the dumbest man in town, who agreed to volunteer.

And surely enough, it worked, and the guy was pretty satisfied, at least at the beginning.
Some days later however he came back. "It is too tiring to be so intelligent, plus all the people I knew before, how dumb are they ! Please, make me dumb again."
"I can't the machine only work in one direction.
"Modify it oh please."
"Ok, I will do that. "
The scientist manages to turn his machine around and ask the guy to go inside. He starts turning the button toward dumb, dumber, dull, stupid... and then, the machine hastily modified goes crazy and can't be stopped, and the scientists see the guy intelligence dropping faster and faster until he finally gets the idea to unplug the silly thing and its stops.

The poor scientist shudders at the mental state of the guy inside. He carefully open the door and all of sudden he heard a very loud voice saying

"French police ! Put your hands up immediately, get out of your car !"
 

Archibald

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On D-day a B-25 was send flying as part of the hundreds of aircraft and gliders send that day. It got lost into the fog and the pilot just had time to think "if the altimeter readings are true, I'm the pilot of a submarine, rather than an aircraft" then he heard his co-pilot swearing and... realized they had just missed Big Ben by an hairbreadth.

(true story red in an old aviation magazine)

----

A captain is calculating his ship coordinates and proudly announce them. All of sudden his second in command fall on his knees and start praying.

"Are you nuts ?"

"I'm not. According to your calculations, our ship is right into Notre de Paris cathedral"

---
In 1945 somewhere in Germany a little man goes to see a bureaucrat and ask
"I want to change my name, because it is so humiliating."
"All right, let's see, what's your name ?"
"Adolf Großescheiße"
"Damn indeed, that's bad. We will change that; what is your wish for a new name ?"

"Hans Großescheiße"

---
April 30, 1945
Hitler is on the brink of despair in his bunker. And then he calls a young soldier and task him with a seemingly crazy mission.
"Find me a rabbi, I want to become a jew.
"Mein Fuhrer, are you sure...
"Do what I say otherwise I will get you shot
"all right
The poor guy desperately looks for a rabbi and by pure luck, found one. He brings the poor man near Hitler.
"Makes me into a jew
"I... I can't ...
"Do that immediately or I'll get you shot !"
"All right... " the poor rabbi improvise a ceremony and at the end, he says, trembling
"Now... now you are officially, a jew."
Hitler then takes his pistol, shouts "one less jew alive" and blast his brains into oblivion.

...

1934 Germany, Hitler visits a mental asylum. The director is proud but a little nervous. But the visit goes well, and thus he feels encouraged. He carries Hitler to a locked door, opens it, and says triumphantly "Look, Mein fuhrer ! All the men here thinks they are... you !"
And indeed the room is packed full with men in brown clothes, reading mein kampf, with yellow teeth, one testicle, shouting horrors on jews and the world, making the infamous salute, complete with the moustache, the hairdo... clones of Hitler, all of them.
And then, shit hits the fan.
As they see the real Hitler standing there, all the whackos shout
"AN IMPOSTOR SEIZE HIM TAKE HIM "
and they all attack and jump on the real Hitler... who gets lost among carbon copies of him.
Panick stricken, Goering shouts at them
"Who is the real Hitler ?
And of course all the whackos shout
"it's me, it's me, MEEEEEE ME ME ME an impostor

After one hour of confusion, the horrible truth settles: it is impossible to find the real Hitler among his clones.

The only solution is: to pick one at random.

Luckily, nobody ever saw the difference - from afar. Except Goering, who knew that the next day, that Hitler declared war to the Wallies...


 
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Michel Van

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A German Comedy Classic

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqMAjZw0kP8


Owner:
I can remember it as was happen yesterday
Each morning came the little Hitler in my shop and wanted a Candy


Owner: Who is here ? the Little Hitler
Hitler Salute
Owner: No no no, not this way, you little dirtbag, here (give candy) and what you say ?
Hitler: Asshole !!!

Owner: Forty years later and Hitler still came to my shop...
... and little Hitler how it's doing ?

Hitler Salute
Owner: No no no, not this way, you little dirtbag, here (give armed Hand grenade) and what you say ?
Hitler: BOOOOM
Owner: that's the way !
 

Resister1976

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There are some jokes about russian big bread,aha!
(1st)
I put unfinished russian big bread in the perishable rubbish,the cleaner scolded me and put it in the construction waste.
(2nd)
I told my friends that recently I bought a lot of russian big bread in order to save money and buy my house,and then,my best friend said:
Why?Are you going to build your own house?
(3rd)
Juile asked her boyfriend for their wedding ring,and then,her boyfriend said:
Diamond is a concept of being marketed, it is just a little hard.
Juile said furiously:
That's unique!I will be convinced if you can find something harder than diamond!
Therefore,a few months later,when Juile and her boyfriend get married,there is a russian big bread which is inlaid on Juile’s pure-golden ring bracket.
 

Archibald

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Andre Franquin had similar gags in Gaston Lagaffe and the least know Modeste et Pompom. The said Modeste tries to make pancakes and end selling the result to the Army as tank armor ROTFL.
As for Gaston he breaks his hand on a military biscuit after using it to learn that shaolin trick where the monks break roof tiles with their bare hands.
 

Archibald

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Any Pratchett reader knows that dwarf bread can be used in hand-to-hand combat.

I remember one writer commenting that the composite armour on a Challenger 2 tank was so tough that it was even less penetrable than a British Rail sandwich.
Wait, you mean a SNCF sandwich ? they have an equally atrocious reputation.
 

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